


Unacceptable Behavior

by brandnewsoul



Category: Texts From Last Night - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-26
Updated: 2012-09-26
Packaged: 2017-11-15 01:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandnewsoul/pseuds/brandnewsoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a reason why you are finding this Intervention notice taped to your bathroom mirror.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unacceptable Behavior

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maypop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maypop/gifts).



**FRONT PAGE**

 

**INTERVENTION**

 

 **OFFENDER:** Lindsey Winslow

 

 **DATE:** 11/27/11

 

**INITIATOR:                           SELF []                      ANONYMOUS []**

Caroline Warner

 

 **UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR:** getting drunk and [screaming "TEAM JACOB" at a preteen girl at the movie theater](http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-18267.html)

 

**LEVEL OF SEVERITY:**

ALMOST TOLERABLE

TOTALLY ANNOYING

_PRESISTENTLY WORRISOME_

_RISKY BUSINESS_

LIFE-THREATENING

 

**DEGREE OF DENIAL:**

_DISTURBINGLY AWARE_

_COULDN'T CARE LESS_

WHAT PROBLEM?

COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL

HEAD BURIED IN SAND

 

**WARNING SIGNS:**

Totally should have realized that they were there during multiple other occasions at movies, esp. when alcohol was involved.

 

**TIPPING POINT:**

See the "Unacceptable Behavior"; also consider the back of this sheet.

 

 **ACTIONS TO TAKE:**          **IMMEDIATELY [** **✓** **]             YESTERDAY [** **✓** **]**

Never, EVER drink when we go to a movie again. No Studio Movie Grill for you. Stop antagonizing children.

 

 **OR ELSE:                 PRETTY PLEASE [** **✓** **]      I MEAN IT [** **✓** **]**

I won't take you anywhere anymore. EVER. Will be forced to reconsider a 12 year friendship. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I'LL HAVE TO SEARCH FOR A NEW BEST FRIEND?!?!?!

 

 **THOSE CONCERNED:** **YOU SHOULD BE [** **✓** **]       UNTOLD OTHERS [** **✓** **]**

Me, Shawn (ex-boyfriend), the general public.

Seriously. We worry.

 

**PLEDGE:**

In light of the overwhelming evidence provided to me by the offended parties listed above, I do hearby admit that I have a problem and pledge to change my annoying, self-destructive, reputation-establishing behavior. I make this pledge of my own free will and in full cognizance of the fact that any transgression, even if no one is looking, shall constitute grounds for immediate enforcement of those consequences listed above, however unfair they may be.

 

 

________________________________________

SIGNATURE OF CONFRONTED

 

**I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM [  ]**

**SEE "DEGREE OF DENIAL [  ]**

THIS HURTS US MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU

 

 

**BACK PAGE**

Dearest darlingest Lindsey,

What is it with you boozing and misbehaving at the movies? Was the threat of permanent bannination from the multiplex last summer not good enough?

I know that you love your mudslides and chocotinis, and that you ONLY have them during movie night, but every time you get one or the other or BOTH, you LOSE YOUR FOOL MIND.

But I digress. There's a reason why you are finding this Intervention notice taped to your bathroom mirror, and yes, the black eye that you are certainly staring at in abject horror has to do with what happened on the night of November 26, 2011.

So here's the thing: I love you. You know that I love you. I love you in the way that only a girl who has seen you have a nosebleed so bad that you ruined your class-issued copy of _The Pigman_ , forcing Ms. Davenport to have you take your copy home at the end of the year can love you. I love you even though I have had to endure your (admitted) awful emo poetry and I've had to convince you more than once that trying to get #justintimberlakemakenewmusicplz trending on Twitter is an exercise in futility. You've been my best friend since the third week of seventh grade, and you are still my number one pick for maid of honor and godmother to my firstborn, should I ever get married and decide to have or adopt children.

So I should have realized that it was a bad idea to buy you those pre-movie mudslides. But you had gotten off of work, and it was Black Friday, and that's enough to make even the baby Jesus cry, so I brushed it off. We went to Cheesecake Factory, ate ridiculously tasty pastries, drank, and were merry, and then we walked over to the eighteen screen theater where The Caped Crusader Incident occurred.

Look, I know Captain America doesn't wear a cape, but you know where I'm going with this. This was the incident that prompted Shawn to terminate his relationship with you. Really, did you _have_ to run up to the guy in costume and make out with him? I know you made a mad dash to the bar right before last call and that "it wasn't like [you and Shawn were] married", so you [kissing Random Vaguely Hot Guy in Costume ](http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-29922.html)shouldn't have been a big deal.

BUT IT WAS. I DON'T CARE—

Anyway.

I had scoped the place out a week ago, just to make sure that the security guards from the summer weren't still working there. So I was feeling good, even though I wasn't as excited about the movie as you were. We milled around the lobby, played a video game or two, and you ordered another drink or two and I said nothing, because you were unwinding, and I had forgotten how it felt to have to witness you trying to sweet talk the guards into not booting you (and, conversely, Shawn and I) out of the theater.

About a half hour before the movie began, though, things started to go south. Maybe it was the true power of the drinks settling in, or the fact that the more squealy moviegoers started to make their appearance. The line suddenly was filled with little girls (any female under the age of sixteen's a little girl to me now; God, when did that happen?) sporting t-shirts with their Twiboys' pictures smacked on the front. Around eight twenty-two, two young girls (approximately thirteen years old each) began chatting behind us, extolling the absolute dreaminess of Edward Cullen and rhapsodizing about his "perfect hair" and "velvet voice". One of the girls had a whiny, nasal kind of voice and the other had apparently missed the day in kindergarten when everyone learned what an inside voice was.

After about six minutes of this, you turned around and began to openly mock the girls. You told them that cuddling next to someone with cold feet is one of the _worst_ feelings ever, and that it's so not sexy when your sexy boyfriend won't have sex with you, and that "real men _do not_ sparkle" (direct quote).

The girls were getting huffy, especially the nasal one, and at some point during this mad rant she might have insulted your mother.

Okay, she definitely insulted your mother.

At this, you staggered forward a little, thrust your hands into the air, and shouted "TEAM JACOB!" and let out a howl.

And then the nasal thirteen year old punched you in the face.

By the time that the security guards showed up, you were kicking off your shoes and threatening to kill a child, and the girl was screaming "SELF DEFENSE! SELF DEFENSE!", only she sounded like _she_ was kind of drunk too, what with the phlegmy sound to her voice. The rest of the night is a blur of tossing my tickets at someone, promising to never let you set foot inside the multiplex again, dragging you home to put you on the couch, and failing to find a steak to put on your face and trying to make due with a bag of frozen tater tots.

So, you've heard the story and seen the form. Let me reiterate this: I love you. You are my best friend. But you can't keep doing this to me. I can never go back to the theater that has the most consistently clean restrooms anymore. This is distressing. You need help, and I am willing to offer it to you if you accept it from me.

Sorry the tots didn't work to take the swelling down more. Sign the form and slide it under my door when you're done. If you don't check any of the boxes, Shawn will let me have the bootleg copy of the movie and we can watch it on Thursday night.

Love,

Caroline

**Author's Note:**

> In case TFLN is down, here are the two texts that inspired this piece:
> 
> (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
> 
> (520): There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
> 
> The format of this story was inspired by Knock Knock's [Intervention](http://www.knockknockstuff.com/catalog/categories/pads/kk-pads/intervention-pad/) pad, which is unfortunately no longer for sale.


End file.
